Understanding the difference is key to a healthy relationship.
Many years ago, I was in a relationship that I did not question. I did not understand what gaslighting was. I did not recognise abusive control. I thought what I was experiencing was normal. I thought it was just how relationships worked.
Why did I think that? Because, like many of us, I had grown up around controlling behaviour without even realising it. It is often subtle. It can look like care, concern, or protection. There is a fine line between someone looking out for you and someone controlling you, and sometimes that line gets blurred, especially when you are young.
When I was in that relationship at the age of 17, it started with questions that seemed harmless.
“Where are you?”
“Where are you going?”
“How long are you going to be out?”
At first, I thought it was because he cared. It felt like attention, like someone wanting to know I was safe. And if you have grown up with parents asking similar questions, it can feel familiar. Many of us have heard things like, “Who are you going with?” or “What time will you be home?”. I have even asked my own son similar questions, not because I wanted to control him, but because I wanted to make sure he was safe.
That is where the confusion begins.
In my relationship, care and control seemed the same at first. But then the contradictions started building.
The questions became more frequent, more intense, until they turned into instructions.
“What are you wearing?“
“You cannot wear that.”
“Don’t do your hair like that.”
“Why are you wearing that makeup?”
I didn’t see this subtle shift from curiosity to control. I thought he was just being protective. I thought it meant I mattered to him.
He would insist on picking me up and dropping me off everywhere. Again, I thought this was care. It felt like he was making an effort. Then he would turn up unexpectedly at places I was at, like clubs, just to watch me. At the time, I told myself it was normal. It was only when friends started to question it that I began to realise something was not right.
They said things like, “It’s not normal for someone to tell you what to wear,” or “It is not okay for someone to stalk you like that.” That was the first time I really stopped to think about it.
When you are young, you do not have a rule book for relationships. You are learning as you go. In school, you are taught to listen, to follow rules, and to do as you are told. That mindset can carry over into relationships. You might assume your partner knows best, or that you shouldn’t question them. That makes it even harder to recognise when something is wrong.
Looking back now, what I thought was caring slowly became suffocating. But the hardest part to admit is that I allowed it, because I believed it was normal. I did not know any different.
That is why I wanted to write this, not as a judgement, but as a guide. Something to help others pause and think. Something I wish I had when I was younger.
How to Tell Care From Control
There is nothing wrong with someone caring about you. Healthy relationships do include concern, communication, and wanting to know your partner is safe. But there is a clear difference between care and control.
Care sounds like:
“Let me know when you get home safe.”
Control sounds like:
“You must tell me where you are at all times.”
Care supports your independence.
Control takes it away.
Care respects your choices.
Control dictates them.
Care makes you feel secure.
Control makes you feel anxious or trapped.
If someone is telling you what you can and cannot wear, who you can see, or where you can go, that is not care. If you feel like you are constantly being watched, questioned, or second guessed, that is not love. If you feel like you have to change who you are to keep someone happy, that is not a healthy relationship.
It’s important to remember that controlling behaviour does not always appear all at once. It often builds over time. It can start small, almost unnoticeable, and gradually become more intense. That is why it can be so difficult to recognise, especially when emotions are involved.
There are beautiful, kind, and respectful partners out there. Healthy relationships do exist, and they should feel safe, supportive, and balanced. But there are also situations that are not healthy, and it’s important to be aware of the signs.
Having a mental checklist can help. Not to make you paranoid, but to give you something to reflect on. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel free to be myself?
- Do I feel respected?
- Do I feel trusted?
- Or do I feel controlled, judged, or restricted?
If something feels wrong, it is worth paying attention to that feeling.
And if you ever find yourself worried about your relationship, please know that support is available. There are organisations and charities that can help, offering advice, guidance, and a safe space to talk without judgement. You do not have to figure it all out on your own. As I explain later down, I started a charity exactly for that purpose.
Sharing my experience is not about blaming the past. It is about learning from it. It is about helping others recognise the difference between care and control before things go too far.
If you take one thing from this, let it be this.
Do not mistake controlling behaviour for caring. They are not the same. And you deserve a relationship where you feel free, respected, and truly valued.
My Relationship Reality Check: Is It Care or Control?
Use this as a gentle guide. No relationship is perfect, but if you notice a pattern, it is worth paying attention to.
How do they communicate with you?
Do they ask how you are and listen to your answer?
Or do they constantly question where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing?
Do you feel trusted?
Do they trust you to make your own choices?
Or do they check up on you, doubt you, or accuse you without reason?
Can you be yourself?
Do you feel comfortable being who you are, dressing how you like, and expressing yourself?
Or do they tell you what to wear, how to look, or how to behave?
Do you have independence?
Can you go out, see friends, and spend time on your own?
Or do they need to know everything, insist on being involved, or turn up unexpectedly?
How do they react when you say no?
Do they respect your boundaries and decisions?
Or do they pressure you, argue, or make you feel guilty?
Do you feel supported or controlled?
Do they encourage you, build you up, and respect your goals?
Or do they limit you, criticise you, or make you feel small?
How do you feel most of the time?
Do you feel safe, happy, and relaxed?
Or do you feel anxious, watched, or like you are walking on eggshells?
Are their actions consistent?
Do their words and actions match in a positive way?
Or do they say they care, but their behaviour feels controlling?
Do you feel equal in the relationship?
Do you both have a say and respect each other?
Or does one person make most of the decisions?
If you answered yes to several of the underlined options, it could be a sign that something isn’t right. Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
You deserve to feel safe, respected, and free to be yourself in any relationship. And if you are unsure, reaching out for support can make a big difference.
by Lisa Holley Palmer, founder of Jump Up, a charity dedicated to supporting women and children affected by domestic abuse. Visit our website if you are in need of help or would like more information.
To read more about the importance of healthy relationships, check out our magazine feature on Jennifer Gaydos Hartman’s story.
