Why do we get stuck?
Why is it that this morning it took me a couple hours to even begin to write this post? First I popped over to the grocery store, then I did my dishes, then I finally phoned my parents, who I had missed a call from days ago. These are things I deliberately avoided doing yesterday. They seemed heavy and dull, my Sunday was bereft of action. I was stuck on the sofa, not particularly enjoying myself, but apparently at ease. Yet today all of these chores seemed engaging and easy, because the spectre of writing this article hung over me. Because I knew that at some point in my day, I would have to face the topic of avoidance.
Is it really the action?
Avoidance is something slippery, it’s relative. Today I tricked myself into being productive while avoiding doing something that felt uncomfortable. But yesterday, it was the chores that were the focus of my discomfort, and that made me feel stuck.
What is it then that I was avoiding? Was it the action, or rather my feelings?
There are three main kinds of avoidance: behavioural, cognitive and emotional, but in reality, they are hard to separate.
Perhaps yesterday my angst and insecurity were projected onto the set of chores, while today they were instead focused on this blog. That doesn’t entirely mean, however, that when we avoid an action it’s only about the thoughts or feelings.
It both was and wasn’t about the chores, and both is and isn’t about the article. We live in reality after all, and our internal and external worlds are fundamentally connected.
Next time you find yourself stuck, and unable to do something, you might ask yourself: what is it about this thing that I want to avoid? What does this action bring up inside me, what does it remind me of? Why is my mind stuck on this one thing, even if externally it seems trivial?
But most likely, you won’t get an answer. Avoidance often doesn’t care about your questions or commentary.
Avoidance as protection
It feels like an instinctive protector. How often do you glimpse your deeper emotional reality? It’s something delicate and vulnerable.
If you have been through overwhelm, like I have, your brain is constantly trying to shield you from what feels like too much. Whether that be an action, a thought, a feeling, it happens regardless of what meaning you consciously attribute to it.
When you feel stuck in that way, it’s tempting to try violently push through. Sadly avoidance, and difficulty beginning tasks in general, often gets labelled as laziness, especially in children.
So then you begin to judge yourself, you think I should be able to do this. You might even use that judgment as a tactic. Those negative thoughts can temporarily override avoidance, and force you into action.
This can even disguise itself as self-care, or as trying to figure yourself out or fix yourself.
But the core problem, the reason behind the avoidance, remains. This is what my therapist calls a maladaptation. When you criticize yourself like that all the time, your emotional and physical health suffer greatly. And the underlying reasons for you feeling stuck remain or get worse.
A different kind of avoidance?
Right now, that critical voice in my head is telling me I should probably mention that difficulty starting a task isn’t always about your emotions. You can also feel stuck in a different way.
People who have trouble initiating an action can also suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), about 3-7 percent of the population are diagnosed.
ADHD symptoms can look different from the emotional avoidance that we have discussed until now. They have less to do with fear or stress, and more with boredom and difficulty directing your attention to a specific object.
In reality, the lines between the two get blurry quite fast. Struggling with tasks can be frustrating or carry social stigma. Emotions then enter the picture fast; an action can feel threatening precisely because you have been chastised for being unable to focus on it in the past.
What’s to solve?
Whatever your individual case may be, I cannot promise you an easy solution to avoidance.
Last week, my GP clinic emailed me about an issue with the address on a form. I really need to call them to sort that out, but I have been putting it off for a week. The form was me requesting an ADHD assessment. Make of that what you will.
I am not sure if I will ever figure out the exact reason why it was difficult to begin writing this blog. And even if I did, it wouldn’t automatically fix it.
Rather, here is something that helps me when I am stuck, that gently turns my avoidance into action.
Try sitting and doing nothing for 10 minutes. Gently focus on your breathing, and take longer out-breaths than in-breaths. The truth is often in your body. As things quiet down, everything becomes more clear. There is nothing to do, nothing to fix.
What emerges for me usually is a quiet desire for action. I don’t fight it, or fixate on it either.
When I feel ready, I try break action up into small pieces. I see how it feels as I do it, aware I am living. There is nothing more to it, nothing to resolve. Just me and my body present there. If things begin to feel overwhelming, it’s natural to reset and start over. No force required.
If you feel stuck, it’s easy to go to war with yourself. But violence isn’t the answer. What’s more difficult is moving forward and learning to live with the parts of yourself you can’t fully control.
To read more about restoring action and momentum in life, check out Ronnie O’Sullivan’s triumph over self-sabotage, or our take on why you should run a marathon.
By Alexis (Deputy Editor at Mind Jump)
